Mothers Day!

Today is mothers day and like any other human I only have one. But I like to think I had two, the one who gave birth to me and my grandmother. I love my mother I really do, but I feel that we get along more now that I don't live with her. We talk and even joke now more than we ever had and for that reason alone I much rather have troubles and struggle then move back in with her. You see without struggle there is no "progress". In life if you go by without any troubles how would you ever grow up. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life like anyone else but I can face them today many can not. The reason I said that my grandmother was my mother is because she was. I know that if I had a problem I could always go to her. She would always listen, sometimes she knew things that I didn't want to say. There were times when she said some crazy things that were way off but now that I think about it, it's funny. And what hurts the most is that I took her for granted I never got the chance to say sorry for all the pain she went through in life, for the way we all spoke to her, the way we didn't listen to her and so much more. She would always try to look out for us all the time. People say that all she cared for was money but that wasn't true. See she did love money like we all do but she only wanted it for us. To pay bills, food and so much more. She wasn't in the best shape and didn't have a job, well she kind of did. She played bingo all the time. And she won like crazy. She wanted me to go so many times because she known how much I to enjoyed the game but I always had something "better things" to do. Grandma I miss you so much. You would always tell us that you wasn't going to be here for long. On Christmas you told me that this would be the last Christmas you would cook for us. I said yea sure, your going to be here forever. You were only 58 years old. As much pain as I'm in right now I have to get this off my chest. Everyday you would tell me that you didn't want a funeral when you died because you didn't want all those fake people crying for you. That they didn't talk to you when you were alive why would they be there. I'm so sorry that they were there. I know that you haven't spoken to many of them in years but I couldn't do anything about it. I was in so much pain. Even seeing you there not moving or telling me to get you some water. That I'm so lazy, that if you could do it for yourself you wouldn't bother us for anything. I couldn't believe it. Just a week before then you told me that you thought I was crazy, dancing like a clown and singing really bad. But you still loved me and for that I will always love you. Till this day I cant believe your gone. I wish that day I would have been home like you told me to be. I would have told you to go to the hospital in time and not worry about us. Or if the food would have been done right. That's the only thing that I hate that you did. You helped everyone before helping yourself. Each day that passes I learn something new about your life and the pain you went through. I have never had a hero, I thought that there only on TV with powers but come to found out you were that and more. You protected us from some much. I wish I could go back to this day...It was your birthday. September 29, 2000 even if we all look a mess I loved that day. That day not only was your birthday but it was also a reunion with some of your kids. The ones you haven't seen in forever. Your son Tutu, Richie and last but not least your daughter my mother Wanda. That was one of my favorite days. The look on your face was unforgettable. The day was full of laughter, fighting, drinking and forgiveness. That didn't last long because my family is not a real family. You were the glue and now that you gone what are we going to do... I will never forget you. I should hate the day you left us but that day is also my dads birthday and El Dia De Los Reyes so I'm at a lost for words with that. But I will tell you one thing I will never forget it. January 6, 2009. The beginning of the new year and I could already tell that this isn't going to be a good year. You would think at a time like that all the fights would end. That one wouldn't let there pride in the way but nope. That was a start of something new. How selfish the day you left us and people are still fighting. Saying things like "what is she doing here? Do you even know how Mildred looks like?". Wow people are really something. I couldn't take it, all the fights its just to much for me. I don't know how you did it. I have a feeling that history in this family will repeat itself. I really hope not. I miss you so much but your in a better place now. I'd like to hope so at least. Rest In Peace Granny. You will always be missed. I will always love you. 9/29/50- 1/06/09